My son, Riley, will be 17 in 17 days. He was born just under 5 lbs. Tiny and quiet. He was our sweet, introverted boy from birth. He looks and acts a lot like his father, which I love. He is our middle child and our only boy. Bookended by two gorgeous, attention grabbing sisters, he has coasted through life without very many cares or waves. We have seen Gods hand on him from an early age demonstrated through something we call his "angel stories". Life saving moments that only God could orchestrate. Perhaps I will share those stories at another time.
When your kids hit around 12 years old they grow quickly. So quickly that their brains just can't seem to catch up. Frequently "have you lost your mind" flies out of my mouth during this age. And in actuality they probably have. From 12-15 Riley and I just didn't connect...not that he would know...or maybe he did. However, because he is an introvert I wouldn't know. He loved video games...ALOT! Being an extrovert who is addicted to verbal validation I NEEDED him to show me and tell me he loved me more than video games. He needed him to reassure my Momma's heart that he wasn't ever going to leave me or forsake me. I wanted to know I was his favorite and he loved me. Well...I didn't get that from him. I have no idea why not...I mean come on...if God can do it why can't he. Oh wait...your telling me I wasn't letting God do it and I put my selfish needs onto my teenage son? Lets move on...
When he was about 14 I got tired of nagging him and being upset with him all the time. I started putting my leadership/problem solving skills to work and pushed my selfishness aside. I started with an Enneagram personality test and reread 5 Love Languages. I asked Riley what made him feel loved? How did he demonstrate love. I found out he is a 9 on the enneagram test. 9's are peacemakers and avoid confrontation to the extreme of completely shutting down if needed. 9's feel VERY uncomfortable around 8's. Well, guess who is an 8? ME. An 8 enjoys a good fight, is loyal to the death, and are natural leaders. Riley is sensitive to my face and tone of voice and takes them personal. So basically he probably felt pretty low during this time...and I am the one who made him feel that way. So I backed off. I took time limits off his games, handed discipline completely over to my husband and just tried to be present in his life. I wasn't sure what that looked like and honestly, I think I had some bridges to rebuild.
From 14-16 he would frequently look at me with a puzzled look on his face in various situations where I didn't react how he expected me to react. But he never said a word. My son is an introvert. This killed me..but he would never know it! I treasured a hug, a moment sitting by me on the couch, or those calls when he needed something. I vividly remember one time I heard him tell a friend that he was proud of me. I had set a goal for myself and achieved it and he noticed. I melted.
This summer was a spiritual journey for my son. He worked at a special needs camp and LOVED his little buddy. Then he went to a Baptist Church camp with this friends. Followed immediately by a missions trip to Chicago. We then took a family vacation where he fulfilled a lifelong dream of learning to surf. And ended the summer at a church camp in Texas we have attended since before he was born. He discovered something about himself and others EVERY SINGLE week his summer in 2018! EVERY SINGLE week. Good things, bad things, amazing things, and terrible things. But for the first time he realized who he is. He realized he knows things that others don't. He realized his family is pretty special. He realized his grandparents are awesome and available. He realized God is a big, good God and he loves Him. He also realized some of his friends don't love God.
This weekend Riley and I went to a soccer tournament in Plano, Texas. We drove 5 hours each way. Stayed in a mold infested hotel (not a knock on our team manager...she is phenomenal). And then he played 2 games a day in HOT and nasty HUMID weather. I know I am bias but my son KILLED IT! I am serious. He played his guts out going 110% EVERY SINGLE GAME! He never complained. He was courteous. He was strong. And he is mine! Other parents and coaches all summer have let me know what a great son I have. I completely agree.
But you know what happened yesterday? At 6:38am my son said "Mom, sorry to wake you up. I know you like to sleep. But I just wanted to say thank you for everything you did for me this weekend. You drove the entire way while I slept, you found good places for me to eat, and you changed the hotel room to get away from the mold and I love you". Here is breakfast". (Stop crying and keep reading!)
Lets unpack this: He woke up early. He recognized my need for sleep. He planned this ahead of time to still make it to school on time. He was observant enough to know exactly what I eat and drink from Starbucks. And he verbally validated me by saying thank you...WITH DETAILS and then sincerely said I love you. But most of all...HE SAW ME! My teenage son SAW ME! As an adult woman he valued me. This moment will be forever seared and stamped onto my heart.
Parents....DON'T GIVE UP ON YOUR KIDS! My journey with Riley was a long, scary one. If I had kept my attitude and pushed and pushed him...this story may have turned out differently. Set yourself aside and see them for who they are. See what THEY need NOT what you feel like YOU NEED to give. Humble yourselves and pray....pray more that you see them through Gods eyes and less through yours. Pray for YOUR heart...God has theirs. Give them opportunities to be the best them they can be...even if that means time away from you. And lastly...talk with older parents who have been through it. Let them share wisdom and encouragement with you. Older parents...help the younger ones out! We need it. They need it.
Riley-I love you. I am so VERY VERY proud of the young man you are becoming. Thank you for loving on me.
